Here is a letter from someone who wanted to remain anonymous, I've had literally 20 odd massive emails about it, I'll post more tomorrow:
Came across this completely by chance, cruising the internet at half 4 in the morning because I cant sleep. Standard night then. I never realised this was actually something that happened to people, I thought it was me stuck inside my fucked up mind.
I’ve always been unlucky with things like this. I’ll give you the details but don’t feel obligated to read them, I’m not here to waste peoples time, I just thought that its now 4:36am and who knows, maybe saying all this will help me sleep.
I’ve been through a lot. And as soon as I say that, I always want to apologize because I feel as though the response will be ‘stop attention seeking’. But when I think about it, I really have been through a lot. My parents got married when they were 17, I was born when they were 20. Now, having had my 3 older sisters before that, you can imagine we didn’t have the most comfortable living. Don’t get me wrong, we weren’t homeless and we didn’t go hungry, lets not exaggerate. But it put a lot of strain on my family, and, as typical and cliché as it gets: Dad starts drinking, keeps drinking, and doesn’t stop drinking. Full blown alcoholic. Bang, in the space of a year my dad became a different person. Started hitting my mum. My sisters. Me. Earliest memory; Dad breaking Mums hands with a hammer because she wouldn’t let him drive… he’d been drinking. Now I could tell you some gruesome, harrowing stories about what he did to me and my sisters but it the fact is, you’ve heard it all before. Everyone has become desensitized to tales of domestic abuse by now, I mean whats my story in comparison to Fritzl’s daughter. He never abused any of us sexually, just bumps, bruises and broken bones.
Since then, I’ve had a kidney disease called pro streptococcal nephritis and testicular cancer. When I had my kidney disease everyone knew about it because it was so obvious how ill I was. But the cancer, no one knew. I never told anyone until it was gone. Not my mum, not my dad, not my sisters and not my friends. I couldn’t think of a way to bring it up, so I never did. And the longer I left it, the easier it got to bury it. Now, around this time, I was a bit a prick. Felt as though the world owed me something, fighting all the time, drinking all the time. Literally doing anything I could to cloud my mind because I couldn’t stand what was going on in my head. But what do you really expect, all this shit so far and I was only 16. I had no friends and thought it was everyone else’s fault, took me longer than it should have to look in the mirror and judge myself on my actions. But i have grown up a lot since then and realized its better not to throw yourself at other people to try and ignite some passion inside you. Its not fair when the object of your own frustrations hurt other people.
And since I was 16, I have lived by myself, I’ve supported myself. Emotionally, financially etc etc. I’m now at university (first of my family to ever go). I’ve over come all these problems, ive got scars and stories to prove they happened. I’ve been trained as a chef in Cyrpus for 6 months. I’ve been to Kenya and volunteered for months, been around people who literally have nothing and helped them with the sweat off my own back.
But after all of this, all the good, the bad, the horrid and the happiness. I feel nothing.
I’ve had a lot of girlfriends who I have been very fond of. Always pushed them away. Never known why. Now I believe its because there’s not enough substance within me to give anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends who I would do anything for. But I don’t know if that’s because I am a good person or because I want to look like a good person.
I love my friends. Theyre more of a family to me than mine has ever been. When I’ve needed money, they have leant it to me. When I have needed support they’ve always given it. When I need to laugh, they make me laugh. I know most people have friends that they feel this way about. But they are literally the only thing I consider important to me. Even if I don’t feel as though they really know me at all. A charade is better than nothing, they know hardly any of the things ive mentioned here and it will always stay the same.
The true horror behind all of this is that I cant escape my own mind. I have no feelings towards my family anymore. My dad, I say I’ve forgiven him but tell my mum I hate him blah blah blah…in reality, I don’t feel anything about it. I’m completely numb which is why I think my mind works over drive and makes me compartmentalize everything and work it down so Inquire the details about absolutely everything. Occupying my mind with complete bullshit it better than leaving it to run away with my own thoughts.
Sorry, this turned into a bit of an essay. Just guys, if you have anything worth living for, live for it. Whether that’s the chance you get to go home and see your family/girlfriend again or whether its just waiting for the next time you can go and blaze with your mates.
‘The only guarantee in life, is a life worth dying for’
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