A letter from someone who prefers to remain anonymous.

Here is a letter from someone who wanted to remain anonymous, I've had literally 20 odd massive emails about it, I'll post more tomorrow:

Came across this completely by chance, cruising the internet at half 4 in the morning because I cant sleep. Standard night then. I never realised this was actually something that happened to people, I thought it was me stuck inside my fucked up mind.

I’ve always been unlucky with things like this. I’ll give you the details but don’t feel obligated to read them, I’m not here to waste peoples time, I just thought that its now 4:36am and who knows, maybe saying all this will help me sleep.

I’ve been through a lot. And as soon as I say that, I always want to apologize because I feel as though the response will be ‘stop attention seeking’. But when I think about it, I really have been through a lot. My parents got married when they were 17, I was born when they were 20. Now, having had my 3 older sisters before that, you can imagine we didn’t have the most comfortable living. Don’t get me wrong, we weren’t homeless and we didn’t go hungry, lets not exaggerate. But it put a lot of strain on my family, and, as typical and cliché as it gets: Dad starts drinking, keeps drinking, and doesn’t stop drinking. Full blown alcoholic. Bang, in the space of a year my dad became a different person. Started hitting my mum. My sisters. Me. Earliest memory; Dad breaking Mums hands with a hammer because she wouldn’t let him drive… he’d been drinking. Now I could tell you some gruesome, harrowing stories about what he did to me and my sisters but it the fact is, you’ve heard it all before. Everyone has become desensitized to tales of domestic abuse by now, I mean whats my story in comparison to Fritzl’s daughter. He never abused any of us sexually, just bumps, bruises and broken bones.

Since then, I’ve had a kidney disease called pro streptococcal nephritis and testicular cancer. When I had my kidney disease everyone knew about it because it was so obvious how ill I was. But the cancer, no one knew. I never told anyone until it was gone. Not my mum, not my dad, not my sisters and not my friends. I couldn’t think of a way to bring it up, so I never did. And the longer I left it, the easier it got to bury it. Now, around this time, I was a bit a prick. Felt as though the world owed me something, fighting all the time, drinking all the time. Literally doing anything I could to cloud my mind because I couldn’t stand what was going on in my head. But what do you really expect, all this shit so far and I was only 16. I had no friends and thought it was everyone else’s fault, took me longer than it should have to look in the mirror and judge myself on my actions. But i have grown up a lot since then and realized its better not to throw yourself at other people to try and ignite some passion inside you. Its not fair when the object of your own frustrations hurt other people.

And since I was 16, I have lived by myself, I’ve supported myself. Emotionally, financially etc etc. I’m now at university (first of my family to ever go). I’ve over come all these problems, ive got scars and stories to prove they happened. I’ve been trained as a chef in Cyrpus for 6 months. I’ve been to Kenya and volunteered for months, been around people who literally have nothing and helped them with the sweat off my own back.

But after all of this, all the good, the bad, the horrid and the happiness. I feel nothing.

I’ve had a lot of girlfriends who I have been very fond of. Always pushed them away. Never known why. Now I believe its because there’s not enough substance within me to give anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends who I would do anything for. But I don’t know if that’s because I am a good person or because I want to look like a good person.

I love my friends. Theyre more of a family to me than mine has ever been. When I’ve needed money, they have leant it to me. When I have needed support they’ve always given it. When I need to laugh, they make me laugh. I know most people have friends that they feel this way about. But they are literally the only thing I consider important to me. Even if I don’t feel as though they really know me at all. A charade is better than nothing, they know hardly any of the things ive mentioned here and it will always stay the same.

The true horror behind all of this is that I cant escape my own mind. I have no feelings towards my family anymore. My dad, I say I’ve forgiven him but tell my mum I hate him blah blah blah…in reality, I don’t feel anything about it. I’m completely numb which is why I think my mind works over drive and makes me compartmentalize everything and work it down so Inquire the details about absolutely everything. Occupying my mind with complete bullshit it better than leaving it to run away with my own thoughts.

Sorry, this turned into a bit of an essay. Just guys, if you have anything worth living for, live for it. Whether that’s the chance you get to go home and see your family/girlfriend again or whether its just waiting for the next time you can go and blaze with your mates.

‘The only guarantee in life, is a life worth dying for’

Depersonalisation Disorder.

What depersonalisation is.

I'm not one to diagnose myself. I don't see correlations in things that don't exist, I don't believe in horoscopes or any of that bullshit, but when I googled the only thing I could think of to describe how I felt, 'feeling detached from humans' the first link that came up was Depersonalisation disorder. I read the whole article, and about 5 others and in each one, it was as if someone had written the article on my behalf. Scarily accurate. I was convinced I could be a one in a billion with the thoughts I've been experiencing, but it turns out I'm not.

I'll go from the start. On the 4th of November I went out to Motion in Bristol with a load of mates to see Toddla T, Annie Mac etc. We got pissed and were having a sick night, I was then offered some pills from a dealer and being a drunken idiot bought one. No idea what they were, he called them 'Blue Atom'. No idea what I was thinking… I mean I know a lot of people who do that sorta thing all the time but I'd like to think I have more common sense than that, but apparently I didn't. Anyway had the pill, got a bit of a buzz and had a great night. We got into the minibus at about 4:30 am when suddenly things started getting weird. Very very weird. In ways I was never even aware existed up until that point. Ever since then, I've been having periodic episodes of the same thing. I'm going to attempt to describe it to you.

The most difficult thing about this, is that its like trying to describe modern economics, in English, to someone who has never spoken English or even ever even contemplated (in whatever language) what economics is. I cannot judge any of you that read this and think, 'what an attention seeking twat.'. That would be like me speaking to an aids victim and saying, 'I totally understand what you are going through.', The reality is, if you haven't had to go through it, you literally don't have the parts of your brain working, and to understand it fully requires you to have been through it. To even begin to contemplate anything I am saying you need to try and understand that your thoughts, are the way you are, because you have a certain amount of your brain active. If you're still with me and can try and imagine how someone else's perception of reality could be COMPLETELY different to yours, then maybe you can try to understand. Its difficult to try and express any of it to you as I genuinely believe if I tried to explain this to myself a year ago… even Myself, would have had no reference points to go by and probably, therefore, taken it for nothing more than 'some troubled guy exaggerating'. However, I believe some of you may have open enough minds to TRY and empathise with the things I am saying… so here it goes.

Depersonalisation disorder is something far beyond anything I've ever even contemplated to be possible. Its changed my life in ways that, a year ago, I couldn't even contemplate. Its something that unless you've been through, you would think 'sounds a lot worse than it is'.

Imagine everything you've ever seen suddenly seems new and scary. EVERY SINGLE PERSON has it at some point, have you ever looked at your hand and suddenly it doesn't look normal or like it belongs to you? Probably. The difference being, the thought lasts a few seconds and then you move on. With depersonalisation episodes, you don't move on. Arbitrary objects, animals and most importantly people themselves seem completely alien. I can look at my own family and it seems as if I've never seen them before. All the reference points that came with the images before, are no longer there. Children, even my nephew who I love an incredible amount, completely scare the fuck out of me. Cos when they are speaking, all I am trying to do is work out what is going on in their head. Why they're doing things, why they want to do things. I can't just accept that they are seeking happiness, I have to actually boil it down to more than that. Luckily, its something I suffer with periodically. So I don't have to experience it 24/7, but even having an episode just for a few hours can make normal things very difficult. Imagine rather than thinking normally, all your thoughts are about thinking itself. You go into this paradoxical circle of trying not to think about it, which obviously… requires thought. Things I used to take for granted, I now question. Things which seem normal to you, like kissing someone or speech and linguistics seem completely new and it basically feels like I've been drunk for 22 years and only finally started to question things. Rather than just enjoy kissing someone, or hugging someone, all my brain does is try and work out the root cause of why I do anything. I can have conversations with people (which is a real mental strain) and appear almost completely normal, maybe a bit pre-occupied at most, but any of the emotions usually attached to the conversations are no longer there. Its like I see everything for what it really is, its root cause, rather than doing what I've done for 22 years… not worry about it and enjoy myself. If I'm having an episode and holding a conversation with someone, as I said you probably wouldn't notice anything was up with me, but in my head while you are talking I can think of nothing other than how weird your voice sounds ro why you are saying what you are saying. Not in a basic form, in a very complex one. As in the actual evolutionary reason behind the way you are acting.Any response I give feels completely reflex, like there's no thought let alone passion behind what I'm saying. It simply feels like I am saying things because I know its what I should do. Not having this for 22 years has taught me how to speak nicely to people well enough, so I can easily kinda… convince people nothing is up, but in reality I feel completely weirded out (biggest understatement ever) and that I'm not actually having any input into the conversation/situation, I am just 'going through the motions'. What's worse is that even when I'm not having a full on episode, I still question things that don't need questioning, which takes the enjoyment out of things. The worrying thing is, the mindset I experience when I'm having an episode is realistically the more accurate way of looking at things. It seems like humans are just glorified animals who act almost entirely on reflex with the illusion of free will. I look at how I've acted for 22 years… and I realise the root causes behind a lot of the things I've done and I don't like it. You literally crave sleep, as it seems like the only escape. But sleeping (especially when you have any of the anxiety which can be attached) can be very difficult. I've only recently realised how many troubled people there are out there and getting to sleep can seem like an impossible task when your mind just goes round in circles.

When I begin having an episode the first sign is that my vision gets a bit strange, kinda like tunnel vision and the bottom of my vision goes blurry. It looks like looking at things that should be familiar through a new, kinda film like or dream like lens. Secondly I can (but not so much recently) get a sinking feeling. Really strong horrible feeling similar to the feeling you realise something really really bad has happened. Then, I look at something, eg a person, and they look completely and utterly alien. I focus on parts of their face or body that I would never even realise are there. Shapes and patterns that I'd never before noticed. It feels like I am an alien who was dropped down on earth and I perceive things how they really are, not how we've been conditioned/learned to see them. Every single thing looks weird. Then, I'll look at something 'normal' like a nut or an olive, and it looks completely different to anything I've ever seen before in my life. All the reference points are removed and then this feeling of anxiety just keeps building in my stomach. The worst part is probably that I become completely unable to feel any other emotion other than this sinking feeling. I could watch someone get hit by a car, and feel nothing. Nothing what so ever, I would still help, but I would help because I know I should, rather than have any of the emotional attachment which I've had for 22 years of my life up until now. I can look at loved ones, who I know I love and feel nothing. Nothing at all, I can't even remember what love is or feels like, can't even contemplate it… WHILE I'm having an episode.Its a horrible thought because everything which should seem valuable to you, and you know deep down still is valuable, doesn't feel it. It feels alien. Then as soon as I come around, all the feelings come flooding back and its the best feeling I can describe. It feels like coming back to reality after being bitten by a zombie or something. Shit analogy. This is the most disturbing thing about what it is, with most illnesses, even mental illnesses, having other people around is comforting, with this one, it is not. People just completely freak you out, regardless of who they are or what they say. Because anything they do say isn't really taken in by you anyway. As soon as you come back around you couldn't be more thankful for whatever company you have. Be it my girlfriend, friends, parents bla bla. But while you're in this mindset, none of it matters. All emotional attachment is stripped and you literally can't contemplate empathy or anything like that. Its horrible. You are still nice to people, but because you know you should be, not because you feel the emotion usually attached to a good deed. You see how everything is like it is out of pure chance and any meaning behind things and familiarity behind things is lost. I'm not having an episode at the time I'm writing this, just come out of one, so at the moment I am aware how pointless everything is, but the difference is, it doesn't bother me. I enjoy things for what they are and do not question why or what is going on at a neurological level etc etc. And teaching myself not to care is the hardest thing because the reasons behind doing anything, even making conscious thought, are non existent to me (during an episode… I must stress).

The good news is, I feel like I'm getting better and better day by day. If I have an episode now, its not AS bad as it was at first, and they're becoming much less frequent and not lasting as long. Some of my friends have bantered me about it saying 'you're just afraid of a comedown', which I think some of them now feel bad for. But in reality I'm a rational enough person to know that they can't even contemplate anything what its like. As soon as I slip out of the episodes I can't even contemplate properly myself, I know myself a year ago wouldn't have had a clue and would probably have been doing the same. It doesn't offend me at all when people take the piss because luckily for them, they actually don't have the part of the brain required for this to happen, active. Nor did I before. Anyway. I don't really know if I can warn anyone about the risks with doing pills you have no idea about etc etc, because I know loads of people who were fine from the same ones. So I mean… all I would say is, try to not get fucked enough to the point where you literally have no idea what's going on. Luckily if you are really thick, you actually don't have the brain capabilities to contemplate this disorder and are immune to it. And that's not me trying to make out I'm some intellectual guru, but read up on it. You have to have a certain level of intellect, otherwise you literally can't get it. Ignorance is bliss eh… Anyway since that I've completely quit smoking the dope, which before this, I enjoyed very much. Now if I have a toke, it either sparks up an episode, or makes any episode that does happen 10x worse.

But the point of this blog is to try and help anyone else who has it to learn how to deal with it. Already I'm learning ways of getting myself out of the episodes and so as and when I learn more I will keep them updated.

So far here is what I have gathered, some of which may be correlation which is more coincidence, and its different for every person but hopefully these might be able to help some people:

1. Try and get a good amount of sleep (difficult when you have an episode because you can't relax) but when you feel good at a reasonable time, go to bed. I find if I go to bed in a good mindset, I wake up in a much better one.

2. Even when you don't feel like socialising, force yourself to do it. The first half hour might be really hard work to you but I find eventually if I socialise long enough, I start to return to normality.

3. Avoid anything even remotely mind altering.

4. Go out, and have a drink with your mates. Believe it or not alcohol is the 1 drug which is an actual temporary cure. Because rather than make you over think, it makes you think less. Don't go out and get smashed every night cos that'd be bad… but a pint or two every now and then can help you relax.

5. If you are having an episode, put a song on that you listened to when you were about 15-18 or something, or younger if you are younger. Music holds emotional attachment and I find I start to feel emotions again when I listen to old songs that mean something to me. (This sometimes only brings temporary relief but if you listen to a few AND try and socialise after/with it, it helps me)

6. Tell ANYONE and EVERYONE that matters to you, don't be ashamed or embarrassed, you didn't chose this. Personally that wasn't an issue for me because it doesn't embarrass me at all, anyone that judges you for this is a deluded twat anyway so ignore them. I only told my parents a few days ago, and then I went to speak to a doctor. Regardless of anything else, the anxiety which is linked to the episodes, has since calmed DRAMATICALLY. Now when I get weirded out, there's not as much of the sinking feeling, compared to before. I didn't know not telling my parents was making me anxious, but it definitely was. As as soon as I told them both, I felt a million times better and felt way less… 'numb'.

7. Don't feel alone. If you feel like this blog has pretty much summed up how you feel, then you are not alone. I'm lucky in having clever and kind friends family and loved ones all around me. Some people reading this will not. But as your reading this, if you feel alone. Give me an email. Get everything you possibly can off your chest cos this is what causes your anxiety, which is the worst bit. I try and respond to all the emails even if briefly. But you can always email me to get my skype details to have a proper chat.

8. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed about what you're dealing with. Luckily that wasn't a problem for me, but if it is to you, then it will definitely cause anxiety. Which is the main root cause of all the pain you are experiencing.

9. Actively do ANYTHING that you know used to cause a lot of emotion in you and keep doing it. Even if its sad emotions, like watching a touching story about something amazing or tragic. Even if it makes you well up, the fact its done that will remind you that you are normal, and deep down you do still have your emotions. Or things that make you laugh or comfort you. I've watched south park before bed for years, so I keep doing that. Because it comforts me.

10. Stay warm and cosy. I noticed several times when I've been having an episode, that if I turn the heaters on in the car or something, the feeling of warmth suddenly reminds me of the comforting cosy feeling. Its eased me out of a few episodes. Again this could be personal to me, but its worth a try.

11. Try and find the root of the anxiety, then deal with it. This is hard as I didn't even know that the thing that was causing me to be anxious was what it was, until I dealt with it and it went away. Mine was telling my parents, and ACTIVELY doing something to try and get better. I didn't realise these things were causing the anxiety, but they obviously were. As soon as I spoke to my parents and then went to the doctors to talk to someone about it, within hours ON THE SAME DAY I felt the anxiety go. I haven't had any anxiety at all to be honest since. I still get all the weirdness but it doesn't have that sinking feeling.

12. Stop thinking about your social persona (if that is even a phrase). If someone you try to explain it to you calls you 'a wet pussy who is just mentally weak.' it may bother you at first, but as soon as you actually contemplate the fact that this person quite literally can't even contemplate what you're going through or how it feels, it becomes less of an issue to you and its hard to blame them. don't worry about appearing 'a soft cunt' or what any typical blokey bloke would say. They are the narrow minded ones for not being able to contemplate it. S'all good. Don't blame them or let it bother you, try and articulate it as well as you can to them, if they don't understand, don't beat yourself up or worry about it. A lot of people WILL at least try and understand and NOT judge you.

13. Stop fearing this stopping you live your life. Even if you do feel numb, do everything you used to. Even if you don't enjoy it as first. The fear you have of it completely ruining your life is causing you more anxiety, which makes EVERYTHING about what you have worse. Anxiety is the route cause, at least for me. Stop worrying about things. Which is way harder than it sounds. But force yourself to do things until you start to feel a bit more normal.

This list will grow as I learn more and more.

As I said. The last few days have been waaaaaaay better for me. I've actually felt almost completely like the old me again for a few days, with only minor episodes. Some people do completely 'grow out' of this as it were, but some don't. But who knows, I'm definitely getting better. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. PEACE!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder